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Written on 1/18/2009

08/07/05:  SAN FRANCISCO TRIP - DAY 10: Erin & Aaron's Wedding:

I met Erin on the 11th floor of Rubin Hall, freshman year of college. She happened to live across the hall from my high school friend Justin, who lived upstairs from me in the same freshman dorm building. Aaron and Justin met at a Stern School of Business freshman orientation, and when Aaron came from his room on the 10th floor and I came from my room on the 8th floor to hang out with Justin on the 11th floor, we all met Erin. It wasn't long before Erin and Aaron were a couple. That was 1999. And now, here we are, in 2005, and I am not only attending their wedding, the first of my peers, but I have been invited to speak in lieu of the bridesmaid because of my love of public speaking and her disdain of it. Not a problem.

The wedding took place at a lovely venue called the Trabuco Ballroom. The weather was absolutely perfect.













Everyone was gathering out back near the lawn where the ceremony would take place.



The surroundings were idyllic. (For the west coast, of course).













Everyone eventually took their seats for the ceremony.





Jared was enlisted to help out with the audio tech... of course!



Alyssa and Josh even look good from the back!



The groom awaits his bride.



The wedding party processes.







The groom gets his parents. (Perhaps these photos are slightly out of order?)













There was a musical presentation... a song specifically written for the wedding. A lovely touch.










Tada!











Everyone headed for the back patio for cocktail hour.



Meanwhile, the bridal party and family took photos in front of the mountains. (I think they're mountains. Perhaps they are hills.)









The videographer.



















That really was some dress. Wow.





Natalie and Rachel watch the photos and nibble on some snacks.







I found mike getting his favorite drink at the pay bar on the restaurant side of the facility.



Then everyone filed into the main ballroom.





The wedding cake was one of those new-fangled cup-cake cakes. I love the way it looks. All of the dessert at this wedding is white. A nice touch.





First dance.



For old times sake (I hope) Jared wore the petrified bagel around his neck on a string. This is the bagel he used to wear back during sophomore year when we all used to hang out together, so it was appropriate (and just as odd as back then).



Jared also had a cool skull tie.

So, ok. Then it was my turn. I was to make a speech about the bride and groom. I knew them both from the beginning. I am a mutual friend. We all go back to college together. Perfect! Plenty of stories to choose from, right? And, of course, I will do it extempore, just as I did at my Dad's wedding last month, where it went off marvelously. So, I go into this whole story about how we all lived through 9/11 together, and discussed how that experience made us all reevaluate our priorities in life, and how Erin and Aaron found that they were each-others' priority and moved past some rough patches in their relationship after that time. I attempted to strike that perfect balance of tone between sweet and nostalgic and funny and caustic and relevant.  I thought it was a lovely and unique angle that I was personally well situated in their lives to tell... a story their families might not have heard or ever hear from anyone else. And I wanted to actually tell a real story and avoid the usual platitudes common to wedding toasts.

The only problem.... in order to tell about how their relationship solidified after 9/11, I had to describe, in some detail, that they had some rough patches before 9/11. It was a detail that allowed me to set up the resolution to the story. And.... some of the grandparents were apparently unawares that Erin and Aaron's relationship had any hiccups over the years. So, I had inadvertently spilled the beans on this particular facet of their relationship. And although when I tell this story to most people, they are confused as to why that's such a big deal, I know Erin. I know stories about how her family communicates, and I knew it was a big deal to her and possibly to her family. I knew the moment I found out about this issue.

I knew there was a problem right away. At the end of my speech, all smitten with myself, as the audience seemed to take the journey along with my story, I turned to Erin and Aaron and whispered "how was that?" I knew to ask because something was wrong. While everyone I could see was smiling (and teary in some cases) and clapping as I finished, Erin and Aaron looked like they had just seen a ghost. Erin's response to my question was "We'll talk about it later." And my stomach hit the floor. I walked off stage more nervous than I was before I had begun. I went back to my table, which consisted mostly of other New Yorkers and college friends... and they congratulated me. But all I could think, repeating over and over in my head, was Aaron's stern look, and Erin, repeating over and over, "we'll talk about it later."

And this was particularly scary at first, because I didn't know which part of my story was the problem. And I didn't know who to ask. I went over to Erin a little later, and was body-blocked by two of her bridesmaids who told me to stay away from Erin for a while because she was so upset. Aaron came over and told me why she was upset. I was surprised. I had no way of knowing. I had even run my story by a bunch of Erin's friends before the wedding, and nobody had thought there was any cause for concern.

Nevertheless, no matter the reason, Erin was upset. And I was so mad at myself for actually being "that guy" at Erin and Aaron's wedding. You know... the guy who embarrasses himself and/or someone else. It was probably my worst public speaking fear come true.... unknowingly and enthusiastically saying something to the entire wedding audience that made the bride (or groom, or anyone for that matter) feel totally uncomfortable.

The rest of the wedding was lovely... for everyone but me. There was dancing, great food, wonderful dessert, a great time had by all. Erin's dad even came over and congratulated me for the story I told and the way I presented it. But I couldn't enjoy myself much. I was despondent. Natalie cried for me. It was a wedding disaster. It was not my fault. It was not Erin's fault. It was totally a bad situation all around.

Lessons learned.... if you're actually going to tell a "keeping it real" style story at a wedding.... especially when you are not a close family member who might know all of the internal family politics.... you don't have to spill the beans on your whole speech, but make sure to pre-ask enough to confirm that the specific theme is kosher. If I had said to Erin, "I'm going to talk about how your relationship changed from before to after 9/11," she might have immediately been able to avert the disaster.

Erin and I have apologized to each other. She recognizes that I meant no harm and blindly walked into a bad situation. She is sorry that I felt so bad during her wedding, and I think, it didn't turn out so bad for her internal family politics in the end. I think. I hope! If I ever find out that I caused any strife or falling out within her family, I'll shoot myself!

(I also hope that none of Erin's grandparents know how to use the internet. Mine don't.)

So, with all of that in mind, here I am at that very moment in time, either hitting it out of the park, or making a complete ass out of myself, depending on who you were and what you knew about the above story at the time:



And someday, I hope to see the videographer's footage of my speech. I wonder if after playing it over and over and over again in my head, how close to reality my memory of the whole thing is. I'm sure that watching the footage of me delivering this toast... if I ever get the chance to do so.... will be one of the most difficult things I ever do in my life. Yikes.











I got to speak with Erin just before the party started winding down, and I was then able to relax a bit and hang out with the guys.





Then we had to do the whole catching the garter belt thing. I didn't catch it.





I loved this idea. All-white serve-yourself dessert table. Yogurt covered raisins. White chocolate pretzels. Clear rock candy. Marshmallows. People took candy home in brown bags. Awesome.

We brought Mike and Rachel back to their hotel. What a night. Natalie and I went back to our hotel room so we could pack for our trip home tomorrow, and so I could shoot myself.